Welcome to Deb's Library!
This is a page dedicated to some of my writings, shared knowledge and thoughts. I welcome anybody to contribute to this page - Anybody inspired to put "pen to paper".
If you do not go within you go without - Neale Donald Walsh
Anything you think you can do and anything you think you can't do - you are always right - Thomas Ford
My NEW SERIES of Writings - The "Bases" of Life".
TAROT CARD OF THE MONTH
The Fool
YOUR (7) DAY NUMEROLOGY GUIDE
Monday 30th August - Today is a good day for positive thinking. Try to be happy in everything you do. This is a day for smiles and laughter. No need to be over serious today. Try to be happy about going to work today!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday 31st August - Time to put your nose to the grindstone today. Yesterday was fun - today is serious. Take responsibility today - attend to all the loose ends and take no short cuts. This is a day for slow and steady thinking - no rushing anywhere. Take your time - pay attention to the details and the small print.
Wednesday 1st September - This is a good day for you to take charge of your life. Make your own decisions today - no need to rely on anybody. This is a day where you will succeed through walking tot he beat of your own drum. Be original - no copying.
Thursday 2nd September - Today is a great day to be considerate to others. Listen to the adivse being given you - this is a day for consultation. A wonderful day for partnership - have lunch with your partner or do something kind and tender for them. This is a day for manners - be polite.
Friday 3rd September - The end of the week - yay. Time to party and have some serious fun. Go dancing or have dinner and karaokee. This is a day to let your hair down and be childlike and carefree. Jump in a puddle, have a pillow fight or watch a comedy movie.
Saturday 4th September - This is the day to come clean - if you have something to fess up to. Telling the truth today will take you a long way. Any lies will cause you delays and restrictions. Watch your health today - eat well and exercise. You may feel a little sluggish if you dont.
Sunday 5th September - Step out on a limb today. Do something daring. If you were thinking of jumping out of a plane - today is the day to do it. This is a good day to listen to your hunches - take a chance. If you were thinking of changing your hairstyle today - do it - you will look fabulous.
Alcoholism - A way out of shame and guilt - a path to self empowerment!
My name is Debbie and I am an Alcoholic. This is the opening line from any AA meeting. This is not designed to embarrass you - simply remind you of who you are. Admitting I was an alcoholic was a freeing and liberating experience for me. It was actually the beginning of my healing. Until then I had no idea what to heal from.
I was a binge drinker. Initially the alcohol was fun. I felt confident - ten foot tall and bullet proof. It took some years but the alcohol soon turned on me. Blackouts began to become more regular and so too did the disastrous results from a drunken night. I was beginning to drink and drive and my behaviour was becming more dangerous while drunk. I could no longer guarantee my behaviour once I began drinking. Once I had a couple of drinks my switch would turn on and there was no stopping me. I never intended to behave badly and I certainly never intended to drink and drive. These are the consequences of alcoholic drinking. The unacceptable become acceptable. Of course guilt and shame follow - your conscious drowns in guilt. Ironically it only leads to another drink.
I did not drink every day - but when I drank I drank. Alcoholism is a result of what the alcohol does to you. To the alcoholic - alcohol is poison. On the converse a person who drinks everyday is not necessarily an alcoholic. For me the alcohol created behaviour that was considered unacceptable. I would stumble, slur, flirt uncontrollably and behave in ways that defied who I really was. Of course I had no memory of many of these events - however others certainly did their best to fill me in. Often I would cringe as I would hear the feedback from the night before. Sometimes it was funny - most times it was embarrassing. At times it was hard work trying to fill in the missing pieces. Some things I will just never know. I would wake with bruises and scratches or in stange places. I knew the minute I opened my eyes it had been a bad one. Never again I would cry in despair. I might hide away for a while in shame with my tail between my legs or at worst I needed to run for the hills. Somehow I found myself back where I started - crying "never again" in despair.
I spent many years trying to cover my tracks - making excuses, blaming others and brushing the effects under the carpet. Soon the carpet had a noticable bump that could not be ignored. Negative consequences were becoming more and more frequent - it was beginning to resemble a game of Russian Roullette. Sometimes I escaped relatively unharmed from a drinkinng session - but they were few and far between. Alcoholism I have since learnt is a progressive disease - meaning is gets worse over a period of time. It never gets better. There are periods where all may seem settled - however it always erupts again. Panic and anxity often follow - a promise to get help. Soon time passes and you are back doing it all over again. The cycle continues to worsen.
I call Alcoholism the disease of Loss. Initially for me I lost keys and purses - inconvenient but not life ending. Soon I lost my licence and then jobs began to fall away. The losses were becoming more significant and noticable. Eventually I lost me. I lost all self respect and dignity. I hit my own personal rock bottom. This as it turned out was my salvation. The pain was severe enough to force me to get the help I needed. I was ready and the right people were put in my path. i went to AA and enrolled in spiritual and self disvovery courses. The results have been life changing. Alcoholism is not something to be embarrassed about - it is a disease. The good news is there is help available and there is a way out of the quicksand. You need to be ready to surrender - only then can you truly take the life changing journey awaiting you.
LOVE-ADDICTIONS AND CATASTROPHIES
Relationships
Most of us want one. Many want the one they cannot have. Many are not happy with the one they have. So few seem truly happy with the one they have.
Where do we go wrong?
Like so many of us I travelled the road of dysfunctional, troubled and failed relationships. I leaped head first into most of my relationships. Never one for patience, I was always eager to feel “loved”. I did not really feel desperate for love at the time – I just thought I was doing what any normal single person did – search for love. Learning from previous mistakes was a lesson I missed or perhaps chose to ignore. I kept repeating the same behaviuour, over and over, only to experience the same result. I continued to scratch my head wondering why my relationships continued to fail. I was so unlucky in my choice of men I would often think. Is it just me or do others have the same bad lack? I was living in total blindness. I had no idea of what was motivating my actions. I was not a stupid girl, I was a very intelligent one. I was just lost – confused and unaware. I continued for a long time to blame my ex partners. My ego had me believing this for a long time. When I was blaming them I was ignoring my own “role” or part. Of course they had problems – but so did I. I chose them after all. I drew them towards me. Through ignoring my own role I could do nothing to change it.
The gift of hindsight would be a wonderful tool to have. We are not privy to hindsight so we need to rely on experience instead. I failed to listen to experience and instead waited until pain came and whacked me across the back of the head. The signs were all there – especially in the pit of my stomach. I chose to ignore the signs only because I was driven by a need to be loved.
We go wrong through “needing” love rather than choosing love. This need can sometimes be lodged so deeply in your subconscious you are completely unaware it even exists. Deep down you know though, you always know. Many people dislike admitting to a need to be loved. Pride and ego would not allow this to happen. We continue to chase relationships and compromise ourselves - yet still we deny this need.
What do you mean by a need for love? I like to think I choose my relationships.
A need exists when there is a sense of lack. We need food when we are starving. We need money when we are poor. We need shelter when it is raining. A need stems from a lack – a lack of food, money or anything. In the case of relationships – the need stems from a lack of love. This love is always – self love. It is impossible to share your love with another when you do not love yourself. If you asked me for $10 and I only had $1.00 that is all I could give you. I cannot give what I do not have.
So what do I give if I do not give love?
It becomes conditional love – rather than unconditional or pure love. Conditional love comes with needs and conditions. Do not confuse these with boundaries – they are two different things. Boundaries are about respect – needs are about lack or fear.
Conditional love or relationships can become very needy or co-dependant in nature. One partner will often make themselves indispensible in their partner’s life – in a sense they will make themselves be needed. One partner will often be doing all of the giving while the other is often doing all of the taking. Conditional relationships are often one sided. One partner’s needs override the wellbeing of the other. Jealosuy and insecurities are often prominent in these relationships – there is often a great fear of loss.
Of course it feels like love to you – and in a sense it is. The more diluted down the love however, the less effective it is. Love in its purest form is designed to uplift you, encourage you and always want the best for you. Love in its purest form will share intimacy and honesty without guards or excuses. Love in its purest form will not feel jealousy – it has perfect trust. This love I rrefer to is the Love of your soul. Your soul is unconditional and pure. It is love. This is the place of compassion, kindness and forgiveness. This pure love is inside of you – part of you. You only need to listen to it.
Unfortuantely your human aspects get in the way. Our human aspects contain an Ego. Your ego is simply the way you express yourself in your human life. Your ego is expressed through the mind – your thoughts! Your ego is therefore a very powerful manifestation machine. Whatever you think – you are. Wherever you direct your thoughts – this will be your reality. Your thoughts make you who you are – how can they not! When you live in fear – fear of loss – fear of lack – you experience the very thing you fear – loss or lack. How can you not! Your thoughts are energy. Energy manifests into matter. Your thoughts will manifest into reality.
What do you mean by fear?
The fear I refer to is the opposite of love. Fear is the dichotomy or opposite to love. If you feel a fear based emotion such as anger – try to choose the opposite – surrender – which is a loved based emotion. A wsie man seaid to me once – “When confused – always ask the question – “What would love do here”?
Now if you think of your relationships - are you operating in fear or love? Do you feel a sense of respect or do you feel resentment for your partner? Do you feel intrigued or bored by your relationships? Do you look forward to spending time with your partner or would you prefer to be elsewhere? Do you find your partner attractive or are you repelled? Do you feel trust or jealousy in your relationship? Are there lies or honesty in your relationship?
Most relationships will have a bit of both. Where are you mostly operating from – Love or Fear?
Now ask yourself the same questions. You may be surprised by your answers.
The most imporant love you can experience is the one wthin you. As mentioned earlier your soul is unconditional. Your soul is a part of you. You are therefore capable of unconditional love. One hitch – the ego is in the way. Not to annoy you – only to give you a comparison. Without a comparison love would just be. We need the ego in order to experience love. Otherwise it would just be. This is why we were created in the first place – to experience love! In order to do this we needed a comparison – a yardstick. Voila – a human was born.
This is why it is so important to include your soul wisdom into your human life. Through doing so you will live a life through love and acceptance rather than fear and resentment – you will experience love. Your soul can never force you – it can only guide you. It does so through feelings. As Neale Donald Walsh so eloquently summed up “feelings are the language of your soul”. This is how your soul speaks to you in your human life. When you ignore the feelings, which is unfortunately quite common, your soul will guide you through pain. Pain will often get you to take notice. Pain is not to be ignored or brushed under the carpet – it will not go away until you deal with it. When you are experiencing “pain” it is important to take notice. Chances are the pain forces you to anyway. Pain is a fierce motivator.It is often only when you are experiencing significant pain in yoru relationships do you “surrender” or make a change. Only when the pain becomes too much do you do anything. Chances are you were well aware beforehand yet you chose to ignore. Better to keep the status quo. There are too many things to uproot or disrupt if I begin to enforce change. We fail to take any preventative maintenance and wait until we are near a breakdown before we do anyting. So often we put more care into our car than we do our relationships.
I would so often ignore the signs or the “flags” in my relationships. My “gut” always felt uncomfortable, something never felt right. I woulod choose to ignore these feeling and instead plough forward with an obviously flawed relationship. There would always be early signs yet the thrill of the relationship made me choose to ignore them.
INFIDELITY: It did my head in!
Infidelity was a common pattern in my relationships. I always believed I was a jealous woman. Somehow I just accepted that in my relationships I was one of those jealous types. Of course I pretended otherwise. My outer reputation could not be seen as insecure and needy. I hated being jealous – it really did my head in. It took away all my power and turned me into a frantic and desperate mess. If I went out with my partner I would always have one eye on him– making sure none of the women were making passes. I could never relax – I was always worried, concerned or paranoid. If I ever raised my concerns the response would be the same “Don’t be stupid – you are just being insecure”. It really did nothing to nurture my insecurities – it only served to aggravate them instead. I hated feeling the way I did yet I could not stop it. Not while I continued in the unhealthy relationship. I am very intuitive and incredibly perceptive – I knew I was right yet still I doubted myself. Interestingly my fears always proved correct. They had to – I feared them. Like a giant magnet my fears were drawing towards me the very things I feared.
One relationship would end in tears and betrayal however it was not long before I was onto the next one. Somehow the pain of the previous relationship seemed to fade into the background when I met a new partner. The roller coaster ride was ready to start again. As always my new relationship was exciting to start with. They all are. This is part of the attraction of new relationships – the excitement of feeling needed and wanted. It was in the early days they would ring and want to see me. Their interest was on me. It was lusty, passionate and I somehow found energy I never previously had. I could run on 2 hours sleep. There was always lots to talk about in a new relationship. Getting to know each other was always interesting. Of course I would get swept up in the moment and I would always hope that “this was the one”. I ignored my soul and listened only to my human self. Feeling needed fed my ego – it felt great on the surface.
So often we become ‘addicted’ to the early stages of a relationship. I was certainly addicted to the attention. Those early days in a relationship are no different to a drug really. Your new partner consumes much of your attention and time. You will go out of your way to spend time with your new partner. You can run on little sleep and you are often in an altered state. Often you will experience the physical reactions such as heart flutters and palpitations. When you do not hear from your partner you will often feel anxious, worried and stressed. Their absence can often consume you – until they ring. Suddenly you feel ok again. The symptoms are very similar to drug or alcohol addiction. There is no denying – it feels great. It does not mean it is healthy. No addiction is healthy. There is no problem enjoying the early stages of a relationship – it is wonderful. If you keep going back for more though – you may have an addiction. I often call addiction the “disease of more”. Wanting and needing more of whatever makes you feel better. Oliver wanted more – he was starving!!!! Enjoying something that makes you feel good is fine – going back for more and more creates proboems. Go back for seconds on the desert tray and you are guaranteed a few more pounds. There are always consequences for needing more. Needing more gives you just that – more of the same.
How are we supposed to tell the difference – a healthy love relationship will feel great too!
A healthy relationship will not feel great – it will feel right. There is a huge difference. Feeling great is a response or a reaction. Often it is only shortlived! If you have a massage it feels “great”. If you eat a banana sundae it tastes “great”. If you take a drug it may feel great for a short time – after that it is all downhill. If you are in a healthy relationship it feels “right”. Feeling right is not bells and whistles, nor passion and lust - it is a feeling of comfort. It will be easy – smooth. Of course there will be necessary adjustments – this is normal. These adjustments will feel unforced. They will feel natural.
So if I begin a relationship and it feels great I should not continue?
Not at all. Be aware though – be very aware. Be conscious of how you feel. Enjoy the relationship while it feels great – this can be “great” fun! Be aware of not attaching any need to the relationship – let it flow – see where it goes. If the flow is smooth – unencumbered – then it is worth pursuing. If there are early snags, it may be worth reconsidering. Life is not about snap judgements – it is about experience. By all means experience relationships – just be aware when the relationship no longer feels right. Chances are it never felt right in the first place however you were so distracted by the passion you overlooked or ignored it.
I rarely felt right in my relationships. There were moments or periods, but they were short lived or intermittent. Did my fear of lack settle for the next best thing rather than wait for the right thing? Without a doubt! I rarely took the time to consider whether we were suited or whether our lifestyles were compatible. They were ready to commit and that was enough for me. It was worth a go! I loved the concept of “this is the one”. Romantic idealism became my focus. Realism took a back seat. The “drug” had taken hold.
I so often would try to define myself through my relationships. I would become whoever I needed to be in a relationship. I could really become anyone I needed to. I could become anyone but me – probably because I had no idea who I was. I was a great actress – I could put it on when I needed to. This is another reason early relationships were enticing – they never really knew me. I could be “anybody”. Don’t get me wrong – I was me – but I was never the real me. I hid behind the charade. The problem was I needed to relax my guard. I could not maintain the charade for too long. The insecure and needy me began to rattle the cage. In the beginning I was always confident – “Oh I don’t mind if you have female friends - of course I am comfortable with that”. Inside I hated it. I was jealous, insecure and fearful of losing my relationship. I gravitated toward the men who had problems. I suppose my own problems were much easier to hide away then. I had somebody else’s problems to focus on. Of course this left me feeling tired and exhausted. I was doing all of the giving and receiving very little in return. What could I expect – I had attracted the wounded bird! They were often incapable of giving. Deep down I believed I was unworthy. This belief fuelled my actions for so long. This belief created my reality for so long. I needed to change the belief in order to change the results. I believed I was unworthy and I was experiencing unworthy relationships.
Of course there was an intrinsic lesson in each relationship. They were never a waste of time. There was always something to be gained. I would so often feel ashamed of my relationships. I would try and brush them under the carpet once they finished. How could I have been so stupid I would often think after a relationship had ended. Once I was through the other end – over my loss – I could see the reality of the situation. “What was I thinking”? My momentary awareness never seemed to last long. As long as it took for a new relationship to begin! The ending of each relatioinship was painful, but not painful enough. Not enough to put me on the road of self discovery. I needed a few more knocks for that.
What are the intrinsic lessons we need to learn in relationships?
The relationships that do not work are the ones that bring you closer to knowing what you do want. When I first entered AA I was told to discard what did not resonate and keep the rest. The same principle applies. Discard what does not work and keep the rest. You know what does not work by this stage – or you should anyway. Self responsibility is necessary - making the necessary changes within are necessary to secure the "right" relationship. We cannot change another - only ourselves. Once we recognise this we can take hold of our life and our relationships.
Every relationship has a lesson – the romantic and the other ones. Relating to others can bring the best and the worst out in us. Through others we can experience love, however we can also experience anger, resentment, judgement and many other fear based emotions. Others can certainly push our buttons. It is much easier to remain calm and still when you only have to deal with yourself. You are always going to agree with yourself. Of course, with only yourself to deal with, you will expeirience a great sense of lonliness. Ironically – we really do need each other.